Crazy Canuck: The Truth Set Free

The GREAT Pumpkin

2007-10-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

Remember the Charlie Brown Halloween special where Linus was waiting for the Great Pumpkin to rise out of the pumpkin patch? I always kind of considered Linus a woosy for it. You just knew the kid was wasting his time. You wanted to just scream, "Wait until Christmas you idiot and Santa will take care of you! Great Pumpkin? Stupid!"

I am now a believer in the Great Pumpkin. My conversion came swift and almost unexpected. There I was minding my own business and a thought came to my head. "I wonder if there are any giant pumpkin competitions here in Arvada" I said to myself one afternoon. After a couple of quick searches on YourHub.com I found what I was looking for. A giant pumpkin competition that was part of the Festival of Scarecrows here in Arvada. I instantly decided I was in.

You see I've been growing a giant pumpkin since early spring of this year in my own backyard. A few times a week I would water it and tend to the flowers to make sure the perfect pumpkin would get a good start. At first it wasn't much to look at. As of July it was just a mass of vines and a few flowers with just a start of a pumpkin. I was actually kind of concerned that it would have enough time to grow before the first front hit so I would at least have some kind of a pumpkin before the first frost hit. Come August however it exploded. You could literally watch the small yellow, round bulb grow and slowly turn into a bright orange pumpkin. In October I knew I had something special. What started as my usual obsession to have the biggest pumpkin on the street turned into a desire to see if I could have the biggest pumpkin in Arvada. I saw that last year's winner in the YourHub article was about 200 lbs and although I had no idea how much my pumpkin weighed, I thought from the pictures that maybe my pumpkin had a chance.

As the competition came closer my faith wavered however. I considered entering the pumpkin under Haddie's name thinking there might be a better chance of winning in the kids division. After all, Haddie had spent a number of hours watering the pumpkin this summer as well as spraying daddy in the process.

At 6:30am in the morning of the big show my good neighbor Darrin was kind enough to come over to help me load the pumpkin in the car. The pumpkin was heavy. Really heavy. I thought maybe I could win the overall competition but I pushed that thought to the back of my mind and kept to my origional plan of entering it under Haddie's name. Certainly someone else must have a bigger pumpkin I reasoned and it was better to play it safe. When I arrived at the show and parked in the pumpkin unloading area one of the two men who assisted me with the unloading said, "Oh this is a big one. I think we've got the winner right here." My faith then gained strength and I put the pumpkin in the adult category.

After going to lunch we returned to the competition for the big weigh in. Nearly a dozen big pumpkins were entered in the contest. After scanning the field I could tell there were two clear favorites and mine was one of them. The second big one was really big, perfectly shaped and a fine specimen. I had to lean over to Amber and say "I think that one is the winner" and I began to regret that I didn't put the pumpkin in the children's competition.

sank. I couldn't see any way that my pumpkin was that much After the children's pumpkins were weighed and the prizes awarded the adult competition began. They started by weighing in the smaller pumpkins. One by one they weighed them in and the top weight increased each time.

Finally they got to my pumpkin and the other pumpkin. To my surprise they weighed in the other big pumpkin before mine and since they had been going in order by size I thought maybe mine had a shot. The other pumpkin came in at a whopping 40lbs above the next biggest pumpkin! My heart sank. They then began to load up my pumpkin. The three guys strained as they lifted the pumpkin to the scale. One commented, "This is a heavy pumpkin." Again my heart took strength.

After placing it on the scale the official weigher started sliding the scale back and forth. I knew it was close but I couldn't see from my position how close. The weigher then asked for someone to give an official check of the weight and then the announcement came. 141.5 lbs! One pound more than the other big pumpkin. My pumpkin was the winner! After pictures, awards and prizes I was given a moment to think a little bit about it all and realized that the blanket toting kid was right. The Great Pumpkin does rise out of the pumpkin patch and bring gifts to all of the good girls and boys. He really does!

Why Blog Posts are Like Tattoos

2007-07-18T10:49:00.000-07:00

Blog posts are like tattoos because at the time they may seem like a great idea but one week, one year or even ten years later they may not seem like the best of things. Any post may seem funny, interesting or a release of pent up frustrations at the time, but over time you kind of have to ask what will that information look like to the public ten years from now?

I read a great post by a gentleman with young kids about his recent sex life. The post was very well written, funny and I could really relate to it. I have to wonder however what his young children would think about it if they read it 15 years from now. Or if this person decided to run for President twenty years from now how the public would perceive it. If anything it would make him look human like all of us, but in the wrong hands a post could be turned against him if someone decided to take advantage of it. Like a tattoo loved by a 20-year-old, that same post may begin to sag and become a burden in the archives of the Internet over time. Once it is out there it is very hard to take back.

Just a thought. I still love blogs.

The Truth About the Cooler

2007-05-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

The simple fact is that the cooler is Amber's. What guy do you know takes time to pack a nice lunch with grapes and all of the works in a cooler? I'll take credit for the canned beverages. The simple fact is that the cooler that has been sitting in the car is NOT mine.

Thank you for your support.

Raymond

When Potty Training Isn't Going Well

2007-04-18T07:06:00.000-07:00

You know you have missed the mark with your two-year-old daughter in the potty training category when she takes off her "big girl panties" and puts on a diaper herself in order to go poop.

I'm not sure where we went wrong but I feel like the message just isn't getting through.

To Put the Story Straight

2007-03-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, the truth is that I asked Amber not to post some of the things that she posted on March 25th, but it is out there for your entertainment now. Yes, I hate the dancing bunny. I however am not against the Easter bunny or anything else that brings me Jelly Bellies. I did see Mary Poppins without proper attire once, but I didn't know that public television could air nudity. And yes I have been teaching my two year old how to break the necks of the little bunnies that are hopping around my yard eating the plants that I've put so much TLC into. To sum it up, I am a bad person. ;-)

Vacation from Vacation

2007-03-11T17:55:00.000-07:00

Why is it we always do this? We tried it last fall and it didn't work so why would we think it would work now. I have to preface this by saying that our day time trip to the mountains was great. It was only the times that my head hit the pillow that everything was a disaster. As Amber mentioned we went to the mountains this weekend. A little getaway "retreat" with some good friends from the street. The problem was that Bode decided that sleep wasn't on his itinerary so nobody was going to sleep if he wasn't. To say the least it was brutal.

At one time I thought that Bode slept a three hour block but I now realize he was kidnapped. There can be no other explaination for it because there is no way he could have been silent for a full three hour block on his own. During those three blissful hours Bode was in the arms of some half-crazed, baby starved women who was taking him into the night to make him her own. Three hours later, sleep deprived with wines ringing in her ears she returned him to his pillow deciding that she didn't want kids after all.

To that women I say thanks, for giving me a few great hours of sleep! Next time try taking him for a full eight hours before bringing him back. ;-)

A Lot Behind

2007-03-04T05:57:00.000-08:00

Goodness. It has been over a month since my last post. The cruise was wonderful. 80 degrees every day and very relaxing. The blueness of the water always amazes me in the Caribbean. Work has been a little less crazy in February in some, but things are still challenging. Just not enough staff to do everything we should and would like to do. They just announced a new VP this last week so that should help a little.

Haddie start using the big girl potty this last week. There have been some struggles, but a Chuck-e-cheese promise seemed to have given Haddie a little more focus. Bode is thinking about crawling these days. He has started scooting himself around a little and trying to get himself into crawling position. He broke a second tooth through this last week and has been sleeping a bit better latley. All-in-all life isn't to bad.

The Cruise is Almost Here!!!

2007-01-20T08:26:00.000-08:00

Amber and I are departing, without the kids, on a much needed cruise next week! We will be going to Puerto Rico, Antigua, U.S. Virgin Islands, and the Bahamas. I'd like to thank everyone for their great "click" support! The "Help Me Fund" was a great success and we couldn't have made this happen without you. The grand total came to $105.36 with almost half of it coming in the first few weeks.

If any of you have ever hit any of the above ports and have some suggestions we would love to hear them! Also, if any of you have any suggestions or positive experiences to share with two parents with some anxieties of leaving their little kids for a week please give us the good word.

My Proudest Moment

2006-12-31T10:47:00.000-08:00

Before heading to the great white north we opened Christmas presents with my family. We decided that the last present we wanted to reveal to Hadley would be the Thomas the train set we had got for her because we knew that once she saw it she wouldn't want anything to do with the other gifts.

Hadley had met with Santa twice and on both occasions she asked for Thomas. When the big day arrived we opened up all of her presents downstairs and she was thrilled with her new gifts. After a while everyone slipped upstairs to her bedroom where Thomas had been setup (it took me nearly two hours to get the stupid thing put together). Hadley was riding around on her new scooter in the kitchen and I went over to her and asked her what she had asked Santa for Christmas. She immediately said, "a scooter!" I reminder her that there was actually something else that she had asked for and after a couple of minutes of thought she remembered that Thomas was actually the gift she had pleaded for.

With a touch of sadness in her voice but with real sincerity she then said, "It's all right, it's all right." I couldn't have been prouder of my little two-year-old. She was grateful for what she had received and seemed to have a hint of Christmas in her heart.

I immediately said, "Let's go upstairs. There is something that mommy and daddy got for you that is in your room." I don't believe there was a happier parent or child on Christmas day when she saw Thomas and all of his friends sitting in her room. She didn't eat or play with anything else for the next three hours.

How I Barley Survived the Holiday Blizzard

2006-12-21T09:15:00.000-08:00

The Holiday Blizzard

2006-12-21T07:14:00.000-08:00

The good news. I'm stuck at home today because of the big storm here in Denver. The bad news is that I'm supposed to fly to Canada tomorrow at 8:00pm. The airport is closed right now and I don't think it will be open until tomorrow. Amber and company are already in Canada enjoying the warm weather (about 40 degrees).

When Children Attack

2006-11-25T12:03:00.000-08:00

The Hurricane drew blood the other day. I should have seen it coming but portions of it I couldn't fully appreciate at the time. You see we took Hadley to Toys-R-Us the other day for the first time. I did expect a minor fit at some point in the store but what ended up happening was way beyond anything I had seen before.

When we first arrived Haddie gave me the "why didn't you tell me this place existed d" look. For the first 20 minutes she was really quite good and had lots of fun playing. Then she discovered the Thomas the Train set. She has only ever seen one Thomas episode but she has seen it at least a dozen times. She was having lots of fun moving the trains around and after about 10 minutes I gave her a two minute warning. After two minutes I said it was time ago and then the full force of the Hurricane hit. She literally drew blood. In her own little way she told me that I was going to have to drag her cold dead body out of the store before she would go.

After some difficulty I got her out of the store doors so I set her down. She immediately darted back into the store at full speed. Realizing she wasn't going to get away from me she threw herself on the floor and went into a defensive position that only a ninja warrior would know.

The store manager, he deserves a BIG raise, went into action. This lady was an artist of the highest magnitude. Immediately she went to Haddie, took her straight to the front counter where another employee was already filling a green ballon, had the balloon tied on Haddie's wrist before she knew it and had her out the store door. I figure it must have been part of employee training because they had this down to a science. The nice lady walked Haddie all the way out to our car and was as kind as any employee I've ever seen.

Moral of the story: don't go to Toys-R-Us with the kids, but if you do call the store manager beforehand.

Children + Hotel = Hell with Children

2006-11-12T12:38:00.000-08:00

I told my dear wife it wouldn't work very well. I wasn't disappointed. This weekend we went to Colorado Springs for a little getaway. I'm not sure what we were getting "away" from because we brought them with us. The kids that is.

Overall there were a number of successes on the trip but the nights were very tough. I know we couldn't put all 4 of us sleepless wonders into a single room and hope for a magical night of sleeps. Hadley got up twice (one time in hysterics because "daddy's breath stinky") and Bode got up 3 times. In all I think I got 4 hours of sleep (maybe!).

Can't wait for the cruise!

"Help Me" fund update: $167.11 until Amber goes on a much, much needed cruise. Please click on the ads to the right!

A Defenseless Truth!

2006-11-09T07:41:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay. Amber's blog today mentioned a few things that allegedly were said by me (actually they were all said and done by me). I am a bad person (or just a man). I don't recall if Amber has ever blogged about this or not but I have a tendency to put Bode on the floor in front of the television and then I lay down on the couch and watch TV with him. I call it daddy/son bonding, but Amber see's it as wrong. He will just sit there starring at the screen for over an hour without a peep. I do the same. He likes it. I like it. And it is the ONLY chance I have to relax in the day.

Amber tends to hold Bode all day. I have to admit he likes it, but I don't think it is good for the both of him. That is where I come into play. I give Bode the quality alone time that he needs to develop other aspects of his personality. I am the ying to Amber's yang.

"Help Me" fund update: $168.14 until Amber goes on a much, much needed cruise. Please click on the ads to the right!

I Don't Have Anything To Blog About

2006-11-04T07:19:00.000-08:00

If you want to read about budgets, long hours at work and children who don't let daddy sleep enough please read on.

I was hoping to come up with something funny, amazing and interesting to blog about. Right now one kid is crying and the other is in Time Out for making him cry.

Wanted: warm beach, good food, ande quiet.

I Blame Amber

2006-10-29T16:09:00.000-08:00

I often ask why my children are insomniacs. If you read most of the major books on 3 months olds they say that by this time a child sleeps long hours through the night. Bode was born a sleeper. We could hardly feed him his first month of life because we couldn't wake him up. Those are my genes that caused that. Now Bode can't go 2 hours without waking up. Some outside influence has caused this and there is only one answer. Amber! My insomniac wife!

I think the extra hour a day that I spend at work each day is causing to much of Amber to rub off on my little boy. The result will soon be all of us in our graves. Either sleep deprivation will kill all of us off or one of the clan will kill everyone else in a sleep deprived rage. There is no hope left for us!

On another note I'd like to thank and encourage all of you to continue to click the ads on this page. The plan is for Amber and I (the sleep deprived) to leave the kids behind the end of January to go on a cruise. Thanks to all of you for your help to make this happen!

To those of you who asked if I actually grew that big pumpkin in my previous blog the answer is yes. Grew it from a very small plant in the back yard. It now sits proudly on the front porch. Hadley and I carved it on Monday.

"Help Me" fund update: $170.34 until Amber goes on a much, much needed cruise.

I'm Back - Kind Of

2006-10-27T07:14:00.000-07:00

To those of you who have been begging for a new post I'm sorry. Things have been completly crazy lately. I'm down to 3 1/2 people (some claim I'm the 1/2) right now on my team when we use to have 6 1/2. Every time a new work request comes in it almost brings me to tears.

I'll make sure to write a good post this weekend!

"Stick" and the Big Pumpkin

2006-10-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

I'm sure Amber is going to blog about our trip to San Fran this last week and I won't take her thunder because she is a better writer than me (the hotel stories should be good). I did want to show you a few pics I took on the trip however. The first pic is of my buddy "Stick". He was doing his laundry and a couple of his buddies were laughing at him through the window so I had a brief but funny conversation with him and got this lovely pic. The second picture was from the restaurant we ate at when we were down at the wharf. The Blue Angles were flying over the bay preparing for their show the next day and it was pretty surreal. The last picture is of the pumpkin I grew this year in the backyard. It is the biggest pumpkin I've ever grown.

"Help Me" fund update: $205.69 until Amber goes on a much needed cruise.

And the Winner is...

2006-09-30T07:16:00.000-07:00

I got the promotion that Amber blogged about. I have mixed emotions about the timing of the whole thing but feel honored to be given the opportunity. There are some benefits that come with my job however. Do you think Amber will mind my new promotion as she lays in bed at the Ritz Carlton at Half Moon Bay next week as I attend a seminar?

"Help Me" fund update: $208.33 until Amber goes on a much needed cruise.

Weekend Trip to the Cabin Part II

2006-09-19T15:30:00.000-07:00

Let's be honest. When Amber says "we" forgot the key that isn't true at all. As a matter of fact I brought the key with me. Unfortuneatly Amber had headed up to the cabin about 4 hours before me so I wasn't much help to her when she arrived.

When I got home from work the kitchen coutner was nice and clean except for one tie-dye colored key (how you miss a tie-dye colored key I don't know). Fear struck me when I saw it on the counter so I immediately called Amber's cell phone. No answer. I then called the cabin phone and got Amber on the third ring.

The story of how the key didn't make it to the cabin still doesn't make sense to me. At first it was stories about how she didn't know about the key. Later she said she saw the key but didn't know what it went to (I'm sure she must have confused the tie-dye colored key with our many other tie-dye colored keys that we have lying around in the kitchen).

The all important thing is that we eventually made it into the cabin. And I have to say that cleaning puke and bailing the flooded bathroom floor of a million dollar cabin is much more enjoyable than doing it at home.

"Help Me" fund update: $214.69 until Amber goes on a much needed cruise.

Is There a Doctor in the House?

2006-09-17T17:03:00.000-07:00

I'm sure Amber is going to write about this and I don't want to take her thunder, but I will anyway. Amber and Hadley got sick this weekend while we were at the beautiful cabin that Amber posted about. I won't completly give away Amber's portion of the illness other than to say that it was related to her butt. I'll let Amber tell the rest of the story and make sure she doesn't leave out any bathroom details later.

Amber just told me she isn't going to link to my post. :-(

"Help Me" fund update: $217.66 until Amber goes to a sunny, warm beach getaway.

Oh How Times Have Changed

2006-09-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

Once the Crazy Canuck...

Now just Crazy...

"Help Me" fund update: $223.07 until Amber goes on a cruise.

Birds and the Bees

2006-09-05T19:04:00.000-07:00

I started this post about three times in reply to Amber's post. Most of what I thought I wanted to say is inappropriate. The simple fact is that according to an article that I recently read it said that women are just as sexual as men or possibly more sexual. There may or may not be truth to that scientific discovery. All I know is that at one time the most prominent scientists use to think the earth was flat. I guess science isn't always a science.

"Help Me" fund update: $229.27 until Amber goes to a relaxing, sunny beach.

I'm Not Killing Santa Clause

2006-08-30T14:54:00.000-07:00

As a preemptive strike I’m making this post. Amber is going to make a post this weekend about the number of toys that Hadley has. She is going to be cute and funny in her post but don’t give into her cleaver writing. The simple fact is my daughter has WAY too many toys. I’ll let you judge for yourself, but the pic to the keft represents just SOME (a small percentage) of the toys that she has.

To be clear I am not the Grinch who stold Christmas. I actually like Santa Clause. I'm just against any two-year-old who has more toys than I do!

To register your formal complaint against Amber please place your comment below! Thank you in advance for your support.

"Help Me" fund update: $231.30 until Amber goes to a relaxing, sunny beach.

Take the Stairs!

2006-08-29T15:41:00.000-07:00

In Amber's blog she talks about the skinny people. I'd like to talk about the other half. An article in the Denver Post today (http://www.denverpost.com/nationworld/ci_4256156) talks about the sad state of America's waisteline. I'm proud of my honey because on her own she has been working hard to burn off the pregnancy pounds. I'm also proud of her because she has been telling the "fat" people off.

The other day she was downtown at the TJ Maxx store. She had the stroller and the store is on the second floor so taking the escalator wasn't an option. She went over to the elevator and pushed the up button and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally the doors opened and this mass of women got off the elevator. She took the elevator up and when the doors opened there was a long line of people waiting to get on. She inquired what was going on and was told that the escalator wasn't running so everyone was in line to take the elevator down one floor. Now when I say the escalator wasn't running I don't mean it was closed down completley, I just mean the stairs weren't moving so someone would have to move their legs to go down the stairs. Amber was outraged by these people's lazyness and in her typcial loud voice started asking the group what was wrong with them! I'm sure they didn't appreciate it but I'm glad Amber spoke her mind.

"Help Me" fund update: $235.12 until Amber goes on a cruise.

Some Rest Please

2006-08-28T16:26:00.000-07:00

Between a crying newborn and a Hurricane I need some rest. My good wife took my shift late last week watching Bode so I could get some extra sleep. I returned the favor by staying up half the night.

This last weekend was one of those weekends when it seemed like someone was crying. I'm sure it wasn't that way but when you are sleep deprived everything is amplified 10 times. I thought my reprieve was going to come in the form of an afternoon golf getaway but it ended up raining so I stayed home. With the kids. And more crying.

Wanted: One night getaway. Good bed preferred. Lights optional.

To those concerned about my last post: no I don't think that John Mark Karr is part of a George Bush plot to distract from international issues. Thanks for your concern.

"Help Me" fund update: $235.88 until Amber goes from snow white to sunny delight.

He Did It...Maybe!?

2006-08-24T11:51:00.000-07:00

Working for the newspaper you would think that I would have an inside track into Mr. Karr and his infamous admission of murder. I sent an email to the online editor at the RockyMountainNews.com hoping to get a scoop on what is happening and my sense is that nobody knows the truth except for Karr.

If you lay out all of the known facts you could easily make a case either way. The biggest problem is knowing the facts. There have already been a number of early reports that are now known to be false. Sorting through everything can be very difficult. I've switched back and forth many times in the last two weeks and still haven't landed on a spot that I could say is a strong opinion. If I were to make a guess at this point I would say he is guilty.

The only fact that you can clearly say is true is that it is better for Karr to not be on the streets. Regardless of JonBonet and the media circus, it is clear that this guy is not balanced enough to be part of society.

I have a separate theory however. I think Karr is part of a White House plot to distract from Iraq. The same is true for Israel's invasion of Lebonon. It is all part of a big plan to distract from the problems that this administration has created. In the end Bush's popularity ratings can only go up in light of recent events! Who in their right mind would say that Bush is a horrible person when watching a news report on Karr? Bush seems like a kind, gentle and rational man in that kind of light. (I should mention that I'm a republican who is trying to figure out if the Democrats aren't actually the ones behind the Karr plot. Truth will prevail eventually!)

"Help Me" fund update: $240.02 until Amber goes on a cruise. Thanks for your continued support!

She is Going to Do Great

2006-08-21T07:06:00.000-07:00

Today (in Amber's mind) is Amber's first full day on the job. After 5 weeks of having people close by to help her with her new born she now has the opportunity to tackle both Bode and Hurricane Hadley alone. The simple fact is that Amber is more up to the job then she knows.

When I was "dating" (the quotes are a long story for another blog) Amber managed a 3 ring circus. Literally. She worked for the largest destination management company in Utah. She would have large groups come in each week and put on extravagant shows and tours for those groups. It wasn't uncommon for her to put in 15 hour days making sure the high wire acts, Olympic oval, and Mormon Tabernacle choire were all setup for the big event.

What could be more natural than to transition from this into motherhood? A high wired child, obstacle course made of toys, and a screaming child have all of the adrenaline rush and challenges of any big event!

So please wish Amber well on her next big production! She is doing great so far.

"Help Me" fund update: $249.48 until Amber goes on a cruise.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

2006-08-18T07:56:00.000-07:00

As Amber watched her parents drive off to Canada this morning a little emotion must have been on her face as she realized she was now left alone with her two young children. Hadley, at the tender age of two, recognized Amber's mood and said, "No sad mommy, no sad." Children can be so in tune.

"Help Me" fund update: $252.17 until Amber sails in warm waters.

One Hot Topic

2006-08-15T21:29:00.000-07:00

It was recently commented by a blogger that Amber should iron my clothes. The simple fact is that someone (and not me) would have to show Amber which end of the iron gets hot. Thanks for the good thought, but a few kind words to an old man isn't going to get the wrinkles out of my shirts.

If anyone knows a good dry cleaner please give me the word.

"Help Me" fund update: $262.21 until Amber goes from snow white to sunny delight.

Clean Underware and a Dear Old Man

2006-08-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

To set the story straight in Amber's most recent post (the sole purpose for this blog) I did find some unmentionables in the golf bag left to me by Jesse. No it is not true that that the "diaper" was used.

I met Jesse late last year and he immediately became attached to me. He called me almost every day and it wasn't uncommon for me to get 4-5 calls from him a day. Although at times it was a bit irritating getting so many calls at work and home I knew he had good intentions. Jesse had massive health problems and didn't have the opportunity to get out much. He loved people and I think he was looking for someone to talk to. Although I planned on talking with Jesse about reducing our communications I never felt it was the right thing to do. Now I don't regret that decision at all. Jesse's time was short and it was priveledge to get to know him over a short period of time.

The moral of the story is to be nice to everyone because you never know when it might come back to be a blessing to you. The other moral is to always make sure to wear clean underware (or at least keep a clean pair in your golf bag) because you never know when it may be time to meet your maker.

"Help Me" fund update: We are only $266.89 from saying bon voyage to Amber

Where the Left Column Roams and The Nut Falls

2006-08-14T09:26:00.000-07:00

After reading some comments and doing some testing I found that in some browsers the right hand column of my site likes to move to the bottom of the page. I'll pop the hood and see why this happening. Home sick today so I'll have to check into this tomorrow.

"Help Me" fund update: $272.88 remaining to send Amber to a nice warm beach!

The Nut Doesn't Fall Very Far from the Tree
Amber and I had an interesting conversation Saturday. Family is a wonderful thing and we really appreciate ours. We ask the question though if it is possible for family trees to grow on the top of hills? Big, tall, steep hills? Hills with long slopes that can carry the nut far, far away from the crazy, crazy tree. For the sake of my children I hope so.

Wow and Thank You!

2006-08-11T13:46:00.000-07:00

To Manny and Others...

Thank you for your Click, Clicks! So far a whopping 35% of you have clicked the "Help Me" ads on the right hand side of the page and we are a little closer to sending Amber on a cruise. I do note that 65% of you have choosen not to click on the ads so I will assume that either you don't want Amber to go on a cruise or you would like her to go but you feel a Hunky Hubby death is a better option. ;-)

"Help Me" fund update: As of 2:55PM today we have only $279.70 remaining.

Save Hunky Hubby

2006-08-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

Pregnancy is a funny thing. You (meaning the women) spend 9 months going through varying degrees of suffering and then at the very end all a mother can do is pray that the kid doesn't come late. Who can blame them? Back pain, sleepless nights, and not being able to see the color of the nail polish on their own toes for a couple of months isn't easy.

Then...the kid finally arrives! The joyous moment comes and the mother is delivered...right?

Wrong!

Then the real suffering begins. More sleepless nights, long days, breast pain, hormonal changes, stomach pain, screaming kid(s), idot husband (aka Hunky Hubby), and the list goes on. From the outside it is really a funny thing. For a month you hear nothing but how they want that kid out and when it does come they spend every waking hour (and there are lots of them) wondering what they have done and how they can put that kid back.

In the hopes of giving my dear wife a little get away from motherhood I have created the "Help Me" fund. I've put some ads on the right hand side of the page and all you have to do to is click an ad to help me send my wife on a relaxing cruise. So if you have any respect for motherhood or just want to give a new mother something to look forward to click one or two of the ads right now. If you don't care if my wife goes on a cruise but are against wives killing husbands I highly suggest you click on one of the ads too!

No My Dear...

2006-08-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

Tea doesn't cook out of food. Neither does marijuana. Nor does the grey cook out of fat free hot dogs over the campfire (who in their right mind buys fat free hot dogs when your going camping!?).

He who hasn't..

2006-08-07T20:25:00.000-07:00

Put a pacifier in a screaming kids mouth in the middle of the night, cast the first stone!

Domain Names and Children

2006-08-07T07:55:00.000-07:00

An email from a friend recently about my son's birth announcement website (bodejohnson.com):

Did you intentionally pick a name that you knew you could get a .COM domain name?

My Reply:

Any good business these days has to check the dot com availability before registering their business. Once Bode becomes a viable commodity I didn’t want consumer confusion because they cannot easily access his website.

Is that horrible?

Yes I did

2006-08-03T07:10:00.000-07:00

When Bode made a mess on Amber's side of the bed I did change him and change the sheets. What can I say, I am a modern man looking for a way to turn the clock back to diaperless era. A kinder and gentler time when a man came home to a warm dinner, his slippers and no diaper changing.

My Wife's Voodoo

2006-08-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

I've always guessed that my wife had a little "Hunky Hubby" voodoo doll of me. Now my worst fears have been confirmed in today's post (see case study #2).

Sorry Hadley, Daddy Works Today

2006-07-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

Haddie often on Saturday's will say with a grin, "Daddy no work today." When Haddie was born I took two weeks off from work. I have to admit, going back to work at the end of those two weeks was a bit of pleasure. Sometimes going back to work can be a nice break. This time won't be quite as easy. I suspect work is going to have it's challenges over the next couple of months and I would like to be able to help Amber more.

My advice to Hadley and Bode: Don't let mommy eat you!

WANTED: Mommy that Sleeps

2006-07-28T06:15:00.000-07:00

I have to admit it. Hadley was a beautiful baby and is a beautiful toddler. At first I thought I was just a prejudice father so I kept my thoughts to myself, but with time the truth reveled itself. To this day strangers walk up to Hadley to comment on what a beautiful child she is and how they could just "eat her up." Amber and I were not sure what kind of a child we could make before Hadley was born and secretly I hoped she would be a cute child. The alternative could have been pretty bad. After all Amber and I couldn't look more different looking and I couldn't imagine the child we could produce.

The down side to beautiful is that the Hurricane didn't sleep for the first 18 months of her life. It took 6 months for Hadley to just once sleep 5 hours at night.

The second time around I didn't ask for a beautiful child. I decided the second child could be ugly as long as he slept through the night. People running in horror from my child is fine with me as long as daddy got his sleep.

The verdict still isn't in but Bode seems to have a cute side to him, but more importantly he sleeps long blocks of hours at night. Since the very first night he has slept a 5 hour block from 10:00 to 3:00. He must be a daddies boy!

The other side of the coin is a mommy who sleeps through the night. Amber has never been a good sleeper. Even when she does sleep she claims she didn't. I don't know where she got her sleep attitude but I know Hadley inherited it from her.

Being a new mommy is not easy by any means. Women go through the craziest things and giving birth and everything that happens thereafter is madness and almost unfair. The part that I can't understand about Amber is why after night after night of getting minimal sleep she doesn't sleep when she gets the chance. Bode is a sleeping gift from God but Amber seems to only get about 4 hours of sleep a night. Even now that most all of the discomfort from the birth is gone she still doesn't get more than 4 hours of sleep. It's a mystery to me.

Before I got married I use to pray for a beautiful wife. Someone that strangers would walk up to and tell me how beautiful she is. Now I'm just looking for one that sleeps through the night.

Basil!!!!

2006-07-27T02:38:00.000-07:00

Over the last few years I've worked very hard to landscape our new home yard. I've done everything in our yard! Grass from seed, rock walls, irragation system, trees, flowers, etc. This years big project was landscaping the back hill and putting in a garden. One of the things Amber requested was some herbs in the garden. I obligied. Recently I've mentioned to her that she needed to start using some of the herbs in the garden before they went bad. I discovered yesterday a new store bought package of fresh basil in the fridge yesterday. I believe they cost about $3 each. I guess the basil "tree" in the backyard that is now going to seed didn't clue her in.

In a Guy's Defense

2006-07-26T15:11:00.000-07:00

When my good wife decided to start blogging (crazybloggincanuck.com) a little over a year ago I was all for it. Amber is an excellent writer but had given up the professional side of prose for marriage and family. Blogging has become an excellent outlet for her and she has had a great time doing it.

In the beginning, other than some lost time, the blog had little impact. I was very proud of Amber when she was honored with the Best of MSN award for her blog. I've supported her at times with HTML work on her site, editing her copy, and giving her layout ideas. At times it has been fun for me.

THEN her blog got popular! I don't have any issues with the popularity of her blog so much as being one of the stars in it's cast of clowns. At times some of the blogs are not necessarily flattering and at other times I'm not sure the post is actually true. There has been more than one time that I've pointed out to Amber that her facts are a little skewed. She usually replies that I remembered wrong or that I actually said what was posted, but I believe there might be some liberties taken with her writing.

In response to this I have decided to start my own blog. Every story has two sides and this is my opportunity to defend myself. In this blog on occasion I reply to the comments on Amber's blog about me being an F**** A**hole. I also intent to entertain with a little bit of the other side of the Johnson "Crazy Canuck" household. Please feel free to leave me questions. Work, home, and church have me very busy these days but I will be happy to reply to every comment I receive.

I Don't Need Spelll Checking!

2006-07-26T12:03:00.000-07:00

Mark Twain once said, "I never trust a man who can't spell a word more than one way."

To Amber and lovers of the english language out there: I was only an English minor in college and not an English major. I do not intend for this blog to compete with Shakespeare and the well written works by the Crazy Canuck. Please proceed with grammatical caution and tough skin.

I Am Not a Pig

2006-07-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

One of the things I love about Amber is that I can just be myself. I don't have to think to much before I talk so in private conversations I can just say what I think and I know she understands where I'm coming from.

The down side to this arrangement is context. In today's blog Amber talks about mammeries. Although I do hold claim to the quote, the context is lost in the situation.

Along those lines, today's blog did spark a few thoughts that I've been working through for some time...

The greatest thing that ever happened to my wife is her becoming a mother. It was also the worst thing that ever happened. To see her working with our children on a daily basis is a WONDERFUL thing to watch. Amber is an amazing mother!

On the other side of the coin you clearly lose something in your wife when children come into the picture. The one thing that Amber lost was a personal view of herself. Before children Amber saw herself with curves that she could use. Hot and sexy. Now Amber sees those same curves as "mammeries." In other words functional lumps that she has given up to unappreciative little people that are to be covered by cold cabbage in order to gain relief from the swollen pains of engourgement.

Never did I think I would see the day that a conversation of engourged breasts could be uncomfortable to me.